Saturday, December 17, 2005


premenstrual syndrome
function: noun
: a varying constellation of symptoms manifested by some women prior to menstruation that may include emotional instability, irritability, insomnia, fatigue, anxiety, depression, headache, edema, and abdominal pain called also PMS--(from

I love how they use the word constellation. A constellation of symptoms. How cute. And then there's the ominous emotional instability. How ugly. Ooooh--those premenstrual women are nuts--better watch out.

It's so obvious a man wrote this. Asshole.

I've been sitting here thinking about how I would define PMS in the East Side Girl Dictionary:

premenstrual syndrome (PMS)
function: noun
1. The once monthly arrival of my period, often preceded by sudden cravings for deep fried cheese products, cured meats, and viewings of Dirty Dancing or similar.
2.The stretch of time just before taking my sugar pills in which I may experience bloating, strange food cravings, and sudden feelings of hatred toward people in ridiculous puffer jackets who TAKE UP THE WHOLE SIDEWALK while walking too slowly down Lexington Avenue.

Seriously, what's up with the puffer? Who decided it was back? It's all Old Navy's fault (have you seen those ridiculous commercials?). I hate you, Old Navy.

premenstrual syndrome (PMS)
function: verb
Best explained if used in a sentence:

Me (to spiceboy): Don't talk to me right now. I'm PMS-ing.

premenstrual syndrome (PMS)
function: adjective
Best explained if used in a sentence:

spiceboy: Why are you changing your outfit again? That outfit was fine.

Me: Because I'm feeling bloated and all PMS-y and nothing fits right!

What's your definition of PMS? Feel free to share. Maybe we could combine all of our answers together into once handy PMS guidebook--kind of like the Zagat's Guide of PMS.


Blogger Spicy Law Girl said...

PMS - Eating everything in sight, taking no prisoners, and crying about everything.

Or maybe thats just law school?

I really enjoy your blog :) Its also my first year in NY!

12:59 PM  
Blogger Robyn said...

HAHA, you're hilarious! Something weird maybe is that over the past ten years, I've rarely experienced PMS. I rarely know when my period is coming (I'm having it now and it was like...damn, it's that time already? I forgot) even though it is pretty regular and I don't get modd swings. I think I eat most of the...em, craved foods on a regular basis. :( I do remmmber one time REALLLLLLY wanting chocolate, but I eat a lot of chocolate anyway! Oops. :|

I do get bloaty though. And then I have to pee a lot. My clothes don't really fit on a regular basis pants)


2:47 PM  
Blogger e d scott said...

Affective PMS Syndrome(noun) A constellation of responses in males to external stimuli that includes cowering beneath the covers, hiding in the basement until significant other goes to work, visits to sick second cousin's aunt three states over, and, in 40% of cases, jumping off bridges or other tall structures.

3:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

pms- seven days that usually involve eating huge quantities of food, crying over Extreme Makeover- Home Edition, favorite jeans not fitting properly, cramps that feel like someone is trying to pop open your abdomen, and utter hatred of all commuters.

6:18 PM  
Blogger Mona said...

That is too funny. I hear you sister.
For me it'd be the time of the month where
a) I get a colossal zit 1/4 inch southwest of my lower lip
b) I cry because my roommate left the refrigerator door closed all night
c) I want to permanently wipe about 50% of my officemates off the face of the earth.

3:27 PM  
Anonymous Leslie said...

I hate puffer jackets even when I DON'T have PMS.

10:36 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

I believe you're familiar with my definition, and I love yours!

Old Navy needs to fire their advertising team.

10:50 PM  
Blogger tina said...

I'd agree with everything you said. Add barbecue potato chips to the cravings and multiply the SUDDEN FEELINGS OF HATRED toward random people by about ten.

6:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:04 PM  
Blogger Erin said...

Feeling the need to punch holes into the walls and then feel just awful about it seconds later. Also, I concur on the whole deep-friend food thing. I could totally skip the whole chocolate/sweet thing. Give me savory or give me nothing!

1:05 PM  
Blogger Marigoldie said...

PMS: I turn my whole life upside down--like dumping out a purse on the floor--and I examine every metaphorical gum wrapper and receipt under a microscope that has a dirty lens.

10:10 AM  
Anonymous andrea said...

An invention of society to further dichotomize the "sexes" and create mass marketing of products. A satisfying excuse to consume and not take responsibility for one's actions driven by a consumer society.

10:59 AM  
Blogger artdetective said...

When I was off the pill, I got PMS and hated it (now that I'm back on the pill, it's not a problem). I'd wake up pissed off, tense, and on the verge of tears -- which can be cathartic for a day, I suppose, but then it just gets in the way of living life. And yes, people who take up the whole sidewalk are assholes, no matter what.

11:02 AM  
Anonymous DiWriter said...

Let us not forget the inexplicable desire to watch the entire run of TLCs daytime programming, including the ____ Story series. (Baby Story had me in tears not once but twice today.

As for the salty/sweet - I'm making my own chocolate covered pretzels this weekend.

Stand back. I'm a walking hormone

3:10 PM  

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