The Curious Incident of the Dog at the Groomer

While I was on bed rest, I wasn't able to brush Betty, which has resulted in the highly unfortunate matting of her fur.

I figured the problem would be easily solved by dropping her off at the groomer and letting them work their magic. After a few hours of fluffing and brushing, my adorable dog would be restored to her former fluffy self.

But sometimes life throws us curveballs. Due to months of neglect, Betty's fluff morphed into doggie dreadlocks, and the groomer had to take... drastic measures.

How drastic, you ask? Let’s do a before and after.

Betty before:

Betty after:

Me, In Four Words

Grumpy
Hungry
Hot
Huge

Have a lovely day.

Snow White's Long Lost Sister

We are wandering around Soho after my doctor’s appointment when I spot an Asian woman in Jackie O. sunglasses, decked out in a Snow White costume, complete with a fluffy yellow tutu-type miniskirt that nearly shows her ass.

“Did you see Snow White?” Spiceboy asks as we cross Broadway.

“Her skirt was little short, don’t you think? As I recall, Snow White wore a tea-length skirt.”

“Well,” Spiceboy says thoughtfully, “Maybe she's not Snow White—she’s Ho White.”

Cribs

Eight months ago, my only knowledge of “cribs” was that show on MTV.

But in the last few weeks I've learned more about cribs--not the kind celebrities throw parties in, but the kind babies throw up in--than I ever wanted to know.

Some of them are oval. Some of them are square. Some of them convert to toddler beds. They come with mobiles and canopies and a veritable smorgasbord of bells and whistles.

And ALL of them were obviously designed for people who reside in more than 350 square feet of living space.

But we finally managed to find one that fits in our apartment and Friday, on the eve of my 36th week of pregnancy, we set it up next to our bed.

I find myself staring dreamily at it every time I pass by. I can’t help but stop and imagine the little person who will soon sleep there. I thought I was the only one feeling all mushy about it, but over the weekend, I found Spiceboy standing next to the crib, one hand on the railing, a faraway look in his eye. Then he turned to me and smiled.

“We’re having a baby soon,” he said.

“We sure are,” I said. “You scared?”

“Yep.”

“Me, too.”

“You excited?” I asked.

“Yep.”

“Me too.”

Then we took Betty out for a walk and held hands in the humid Manhattan morning, giddy with the possibilities of this thing called family.

Heaven Is Like This:

Sitting in the apartment with the air conditioning on full blast, feeling the baby kick and roll in my belly, and eating copious amounts of Niman Ranch applewood smoked bacon.

Viva la pork!

FREEDOM

Went to the doctor this morning. Everything is perfect.

I'M FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pop Quiz: What Would You Do?

You’ve purchased one of those silly baby slings that everyone says is so great. You try it on, but without something substantial to fill it—like a baby—it’s just a limp piece of fabric hanging over your shoulder.

You are desperate to find out if the sling works, so you:

A. Test the sling by stuffing it with a throw cushion or some other soft, pliable object.

B. Put the sling aside. Patience is a virtue, and you’ll have plenty of opportunity to test the sling once you pop this kid out.

C. Grab your poor, innocent, unsuspecting dog and carefully load her into the sling.

D. Convince your husband to wear the sling and load your poor, innocent, unsuspecting dog into the sling.

Almost Independence Day

I am now 34 weeks pregnant.

Last week’s ultrasound revealed that Spicebaby is awesome--she weighs 5lbs and is looking great. The doctor said I can “slightly increase activity” but that I’m not officially off of bed rest yet. So I spent Independence Day weekend testing my independence.

I walked Betty around the block. It was humid, and the air smelled of concrete and trash.

Spiceboy drove us to Coney Island, where I dipped my toes in the water and ate a Nathan’s hot dog. It was good.

I made gourgeres, which Spiceboy and I gobbled while surfing the Internet for baby stuff.

It was normal stuff. Boring stuff. And I loved every minute of it.