Saturday, March 11, 2006

The Extra Special PMS Advantage Diet

As we all know, the onset of PMS can bring great pain and suffering not only to the woman experiencing it, but also to those around her, including but not limited to: Friends, future husbands, store clerks, innocent pedestrians, and unsuspecting family members who call to say hello.

While most women dread the onset of PMS, I have decided that if I have to suffer through it, I might as well try to make the best of it. Therefore, I have devised a plan that will allow me to get through my PMS as painlessly as possible, while taking advantage of some of the things I love the most but rarely allow myself to indulge in. And today, Dear Readers, I share that plan with you.

Obviously, you can alter the diet plan to suit your own tastes/needs/schedule. The important thing is that you indulge in something that makes you feel good, in a place where your violent mood swings and carb cravings can unfold naturally and away from the scrutiny of others.

To maximize the overall effects of The Extra Special PMS Advantage Diet, be sure to adhere closely to the following instructions:

1. Sequester yourself in your apartment. If you share an apartment or house, sequester yourself in a room where you will remain undisturbed.
2. Put on your comfiest pajamas
3. Have at least 1 celeb gossip magazine on hand (US Weekly or similar)
4. Have at least 1 chick lit novel on hand (or several of your favorite chick movies)


Breakfast

Hunk of stale French bread
1 cup coffee, extra cream
1 large bottle Fiji water

Lunch

1 vanilla cupcake with chocolate frosting from Buttercup Bakery
1 glass whole milk
1 large serving baked macaroni and cheese
1 large bottle Fiji water

Dinner

1 red velvet cupcake from Buttercup Bakery
1 glass whole milk
Any leftover macaroni and cheese from lunch
1 glass red wine
1 large bottle Fiji water

The cupcake/mac and cheese combination helps satisfy the salty/sweet cravings.

The cupcake is sugary and tasty and lovely. You could also substitute cookie dough if that's your thing. The milk cuts the sweetness of the cupcake. Only whole milk is acceptable here. There's no need to skimp. And the mac and cheese--well, it's just carb-tastic goodness.

The water is absolutely necessary to reduce bloat and stomach upset. I prefer Fiji because it has a crisp, clean taste, with an almost sweet finish. Yes, it's a bit more expensive than your typical water, but The Extra Special PMS Advntage Diet is all about indulgence, so don't be afraid to treat yourself. And the red wine, according to the French, is good for your heart. And what's more important than your heart?

It is my hope that the next time you feel the onset of PMS and your hormones go into a kamikaze spin cycle, you will employ the principles of The Extra Special PMS Advantage Diet and you will enjoy yourself.

Happy Saturday!

5 Comments:

Blogger Katy said...

Is it possible to replace the bread in the breakfast menu with a large biscotti? A chocolate chip/almond dipped in chocolate biscotti?

10:13 AM  
Blogger one girl said...

Love it, please sign me up. Do you have a special lactose free version available?

11:38 PM  
Blogger Robyn said...

Damn, I think I eat stuff like that on a regular basis. You do NOT want to know what I ate today...of course I'll blog it. Um.

...WHY AM I NOT DEAD YET?

Is it weird that out of everything you mentioned, I'd be happiest to dig into a bread chunk? Ehe.

4:43 PM  
Blogger artdetective said...

Don't forget the after work snack: small glass chocolate liqueur with blue corn chips.

6:29 PM  
Blogger Special K said...

Personally, I prefer an all-poutine diet while I have PMS, consumed while in bed. It's a good thing I live alone, so there's no one around to complain about gravy stains on the sheets. (Which would probably earn the complainer a sharp kick to the cookies.)

11:24 PM  

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