Wedding Worry #666: I'm Becoming a Nag
Let's take a look at a week's worth of wedding-related conversation between the lovely spiceboy and myself:
MONDAY
me: Did you do __________ ? (insert wedding related task here)
spiceboy: Not yet, but I will.
me: When? We really need to get this done.
spiceboy: I will.
me: When?
spiceboy: Don't worry, I'll take care of it.
WEDNESDAY
me: Did you do ___________ yet?
spiceboy (sounding sheepish): Um...no. But I will.
me: When?
spiceboy: Soon.
me (letting out a sigh that I hope sounds appropriately exasperated, yet tolerant): Okay.
FRIDAY
me: Did you do ______________?
spiceboy (sounding guilty): No, not yet. But I will.
me (voice getting loud and squeaky): Look, we really need to get this done. How many times do I have to ask you before you actually get this done?
spiceboy: Will you just get off my back?
Ouchy.
The 7 words no bride to be wants to hear. The 7 words that indicate I'm on the road to Nag Town and there's no turning back.
Nagging is like crack for girlfriends. You know you shouldn't do it. You know it's wrong and socially unacceptable. But you give in to peer pressure, and after you try that first hit, you're hooked.
When spiceboy said this to me, I realized that we'd reached yet another turning point in our relationship. If we were in an MTV reality show, this would be the point at which we stop being polite and start getting real.
Now, I know that spiceboy doesn't want to be labelled lazy husband any more than I want to be labelled nagging wife. And yet here we are, standing on the threshold of the very stereotypes of love and marriage we've tried so hard to avoid.
It was yet another real life wake up call. Marriage is not all about romance. It's about figuring out how to live with one another. And by live with one another, I don't mean cramming all of your worldly posessions into a 350 sq ft apartment. I mean really live with one another.
And I thought, do I really want to be this woman? The nagging woman?
No, I don't.
But the temptation was right there in front of me, beckoning as spiceboy's words echoed in my head:
Will you just get off my back?
And even though my rational brain was screaming for me not to offer a rebuttal to that statement, the little devil on my shoulder (who, incidentally, bore a striking resemblance to my mother) was jumping up and down with glee, whispering: Just one little hit. Just to take the edge off.
I'm only human. I gave in. Summoning my best bitchy and sarcastic voice, I answered spiceboy's question:
I'll get off your back when you get it finished!
MONDAY
me: Did you do __________ ? (insert wedding related task here)
spiceboy: Not yet, but I will.
me: When? We really need to get this done.
spiceboy: I will.
me: When?
spiceboy: Don't worry, I'll take care of it.
WEDNESDAY
me: Did you do ___________ yet?
spiceboy (sounding sheepish): Um...no. But I will.
me: When?
spiceboy: Soon.
me (letting out a sigh that I hope sounds appropriately exasperated, yet tolerant): Okay.
FRIDAY
me: Did you do ______________?
spiceboy (sounding guilty): No, not yet. But I will.
me (voice getting loud and squeaky): Look, we really need to get this done. How many times do I have to ask you before you actually get this done?
spiceboy: Will you just get off my back?
Ouchy.
The 7 words no bride to be wants to hear. The 7 words that indicate I'm on the road to Nag Town and there's no turning back.
Nagging is like crack for girlfriends. You know you shouldn't do it. You know it's wrong and socially unacceptable. But you give in to peer pressure, and after you try that first hit, you're hooked.
When spiceboy said this to me, I realized that we'd reached yet another turning point in our relationship. If we were in an MTV reality show, this would be the point at which we stop being polite and start getting real.
Now, I know that spiceboy doesn't want to be labelled lazy husband any more than I want to be labelled nagging wife. And yet here we are, standing on the threshold of the very stereotypes of love and marriage we've tried so hard to avoid.
It was yet another real life wake up call. Marriage is not all about romance. It's about figuring out how to live with one another. And by live with one another, I don't mean cramming all of your worldly posessions into a 350 sq ft apartment. I mean really live with one another.
And I thought, do I really want to be this woman? The nagging woman?
No, I don't.
But the temptation was right there in front of me, beckoning as spiceboy's words echoed in my head:
Will you just get off my back?
And even though my rational brain was screaming for me not to offer a rebuttal to that statement, the little devil on my shoulder (who, incidentally, bore a striking resemblance to my mother) was jumping up and down with glee, whispering: Just one little hit. Just to take the edge off.
I'm only human. I gave in. Summoning my best bitchy and sarcastic voice, I answered spiceboy's question:
I'll get off your back when you get it finished!
posted by east side girl at 12:54 PM
10 Comments:
ok. i am trying to figure out how to not sound like a ranting crazy person right now. i think i will fail at that, so here goes:
fuck that shit. worrying about being a "nag," that is. seriously, fuck it. because you're absolutely right - the two of you are adults, and you've agreed to take on the responsibility of planning and throwing a wedding, and he needs to get shit done!
i'm as raving feminist as they come, but i'd be blind if i didn't notice the way that gender differences DO exist (socially conditioned as they may be!). there are tons of exceptions to every rule, for sure, but in my experience, there are a lot of men who need to freaking bite the bullet, grow up, and start doing things without being asked twelve times. no offense to spiceboy, who seems like an all-around nice guy and worthwhile husband choice, but refusing to let you know when exactly he'll do something important and expecting you to be ok with that (especially when he's proven that without set deadlines, things amazingly don't get done) is not cool. if i were you, i'd be nagging too!
i guess the issue is this: how can we get our beloved boyfriends/fiancees/husbands to get with the program and start acting like responsible adults without reverting to the nagging/off-putting dynamic? is there a way to do that? because i'd love to know. that way, i could figure out a way to get my boyfriend to actually call the insurance guy within 6 months, or whatever, without starting world war three.
phew. ranting over.
Have you ever watched "Bridezillas" on TV? I suggest you get spiceboy to watch it to realize how nice you are!! I made my husband watch this during our wedding prep and he was soooo glad he had me - hee!
On the male side of this equation, I'm jumping in. We also don't know the task. My wife, whom I love with all my heart, asked (or should I say 'told') me to do some innane things prior to our marriage.
J: Did you pick the vest color?
P: I don't care. I'll wear what you want.
J: I want you to be involved.
P: I want you to like the choice. You pick it. I'll wear it.
J: YOU DON'T LOVE ME!!! (runs from the room)
Getting married was so much fun!
"who, incidentally, bore a striking resemblance to my mother"
Exactly! Isn't that so scary?
But don't worry about it too much. Planning a wedding is insane. You can't do it all alone!
when spiceboy asked you to marry him, he was secretly asking for you to "nag him constantly till death do you part".
I gotta say I'm a little bit with kate.d. here. Ten years ago, the same thing was carrying on while preparations were taking place for my wedding to now-ex-husband. He'd complained he didn't feel involved, so I tried to involve him by asking him to take care of perhaps a half-dozen different things, and I forbore being the 'nagging fiance' even though it was making me effing crazy.
Yeah. Well.
End result? We had a shitty DJ instead of the band we'd wanted because he didn't get off his arse and make an effing phone call. We very nearly didn't have a photographer (and the one we got was woefully run-of-the-mill with standard group shots and yada yada). We were thisclose to having to switch venues because he didn't deliver the deposit cheque on time. I spent altogether too much effort putting out fires for my liking, and by the time the wedding day rolled around, I was ready to set him on fire.
It's hardly a wonder it didn't last.
Not only did he leave these
I go through this with the fellas at work. They want something but are not willing to put any of their energies into it without me nagging the hell out of them. It's very passive/agressive and drives me nuts. Good luck.
Don't beat yourself up too much--we, too, enjoy being a couple outside the "norm", but there are certain stereotypes that just fit like a good pair of shoes (at least on occasion). I don't nag as much as I could/should, but kate.d. is right: some things won't get done unless you keep reminding. Take a deep breath and next time it comes up, politely give him a deadline: "I'm going to check with you again on Thursday and if it's not done, I'll do it." Make sure to take off the bitch hat (I know you have one...we all do!!) so he doesn't get defensive. Lighten it up with a joke or something, maybe? Erg. Good luck. Boys are my favorite things on the whole planet, but they can be WICKED hard to live with from time to time. Sounds like you're ready, though. :)
I agree with this: Marriage is not all about romance. It's about figuring out how to live with one another.
Nagging sucks, but you know what? Sometimes these boys need us to act like their mothers.
When I 'nag' and get the get-off-my-back reply, and I have gotten it plenty of times, I usually get snotty. I'll ignore him until he does it.
Oh, dear. I do feel for you.
Weddings make the most sane person insane. But keep in mind, everyone needs a good swift kick in the pants. He doesn't mean to procrastinate, but I figure he's finally realizing that this is real.
When Stevie and I got married last year I had to be on his ass the entire time. Things wouldn't have gotten done if I hadn't. And he had the sense to thank me afterwards and to tell me that none of this would have gotten done if I hadn't nagged him.
It also helps that I do this for a living.
Anyway, good luck.
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