The Drooler Monkey

Shown here is a rare photo of the Drooler Monkey—an endangered member of the monkey kingdom.

The Drooler Monkey is known for its ability to produce incredibly long and abundant strands of drool, which are used to mark the shoulders of its victims, causing them to double the amount of laundry they must do each week.

In this photo, a female Drooler Monkey has spotted her prey, and is preparing her drool for the attack.

Welcome Christmas While We Stand, Heart to Heart and Hand in Hand

I am sitting at my desk in my windowless office, inhaling a quick sushi lunch and reading a manuscript when my phone rings.

“Come into my office!” cries my boss, breathless. “You have to see this!”

I rush down the hallway and into her office, where she’s lifting the blinds to showcase her view—tall midtown office buildings, steel gray structures against the steel gray sky—dotted with the biggest, whitest, fluffiest snowflakes I’ve ever seen. They come slowly at first, then faster and faster, filling the vast spaces between the buildings. On the streets far below, pedestrians begin snapping open their umbrellas.

“Isn’t it gorgeous?” she asks, clasping her hands in delight.

“It is,” I agree.

“When I first moved to New York,” she says in her tinkling voice, “I thought it was so strange that people used umbrellas in the snow.”

A few more coworkers come into the office, and we all stand in front of the windows in companionable silence, watching the scene and forgetting for a moment our soggy sandwiches resting atop of our piles of paperwork, our full inboxes, our blinking voicemails.

“It’s like being inside a snow globe,” someone says.

So it is.

Requisite Smooshy Post About Motherhood

A few weeks ago, Spiceboy and I were lying on the bed with Alice dozing between us when he asked me, "Are you happy?"

“Very,” I replied.

“Remember how scared you were before you had the baby? You were worried that it was the end of things the way they were."

“I remember.”

“Do you still feel that way?” he asked.

“No. I realize now that it wasn’t the end at all. It was the beginning of absolutely everything.”

What They Don't Tell You About Having Babies, Part 2

You will never get to eat a hot meal. Ever.

If you do eat a hot meal, you will spend a good part of it sniffing your baby's butt for signs of poo.  You will do this as you're chewing your food.

You will discover that you are capable of more love and compassion than you ever imagined.

 

If you grow your nails too long, you will get poop under them.

After labor, your hoo-hah will hurt. A lot. And you will be thankful for the ice packs the nurses make you bring home from the hospital.  

Your linea nigra will stick around longer than you imagined it would, and you'll feel a little sad when it starts to fade.

There will be days when it seems impossible...insurmountable, even. But somehow, you find the strength to do it.

Ew.

So I'm sitting here at the office, trying to catch up on various office-related issues. I logged some quality time with Alice this morning, and I still managed to get myself to work on time.

I am showered, my hair is styled (sort of), and I even have some make up on. I look for all the world like a responsible employee.

But I'm pretty sure I smell like baby poop.

Numbers

Number of hours I’ve been back at work: 7

Number of times I’ve called Spiceboy and Alice at home: 7

Number of times I’ve called Spiceboy’s cell phone when I couldn’t reach him at home: 1

Number of blocks I have to walk to get home to my family: 20

Number of minutes until I can walk the 20 blocks home: 71

Happy Monday!