Wednesday, May 10, 2006

The Great Pooping Dilemma

It’s been awhile since I’ve done a post on poop. So this post will be about poop. So if you’re not pro-poop, come back later.

As some of you may know, the act of pooping does not always come easily for me (see #7 in my sidebar).

I generally have very specific periods of time in which I can poop. These are:

1. First thing in the morning, but only if I’ve eaten veggies the night before, and only if I drink a huge glass of water immediately upon waking.

2. When I get home from work (but I really can’t count on this at all).

Yesterday was a total bust, poop-wise. Nothing. Zip. Nada.

Today, I missed my morning window, even after drinking the requisite glass of water and loading up on leafy greens last night.

But--horror of horrors--even as I sit writing this, I feel the twinge. That’s right—I have a window. RIGHT NOW. But there’s one problem: I never poop at the office, as I have a severe case of office pooping paranoia. This is obviously not a problem with the other female employees here, as the bathroom generally smells like a big poop factory.

I mean, ew. I hardly even want to go in to fluff my hair, let alone do my business. I’m sure you understand.

Which leaves me tonight as the only pooping possibility. There’s only one problem: My masseuse is coming to the apartment at 6 o’clock, and that doesn’t give me a lot of time to get home, get into the bathroom, and then get ready for the masseuse. I mean, what if she comes early and I’m still in the bathroom?


Or worse yet, what if I get home in time, but b/c I know she’s coming, I get pooping paranoia at HOME, and I can’t go? Then I won’t be able to relax during my massage b/c I’ll be thinking about how I wish I could have pooped, not to mention clenching my innards to avoid any uncomfortable scenes. And then her massage will feel less like a massage and more like a horrible anti-pooping torture device.

This is horrible, just horrible.


Blogger Style Girl said...

you poor non-pooping thing! i know how you feel! i haven't poo'ed in over a week! i've gone almost 2 weeks before. i hope you can get it figured out! i'm sure you will!

did i read correctly? 24 days until the wedding!!! i can't wait to hear all about it!

are you going on a honeymoon?

5:01 PM  
Anonymous john said...

I for one LOVE your pooping posts. I’m sure knowing you have to poop would take the pleasure right out of a massage. That is a nice service though to have the masseuse stop by at your Apt after work. Well, as for your predicament I’ve said it before but I’m happy to share ~ You are absolutely RIGHT with the Water idea - just keep at it, not one or 2 little girly juice glasses of water but slam down 2 liters. Your ;stomach, duodenum, jejunum, ilium, ileocecal valve, colon hepatic and splenic flexures and rectum will thank you. Water good pure water (and lots of it). Pfizer doesn’t have the answer. Its all about water. If you think that much water would give you trouble try a LARGE glass of pure squeezed (not from concentrate) Orange juice. I recommend Tropicana. The high levels of C have a diuretic affect. Hey, Have an enjoyable poop.

7:26 PM  
Blogger Fig said...

Let me give you a little old girl to young girl advice. I, too, had poop paranoia. I let it become such a habit that I ended up with an impaction. (google it)- and a chronic fissure (google it). The only way I can stay out of mind-rending pain is to stay regular. My little fiber pills with water are a given-metamucil pills-start poppin them and get over yourself with the office poop. Your sense of sensability over a very angry and life-long angry anus? No call there. Trust me. Start pooping- whenever and wherever you feel the urge (well, in a restroom of course).

7:40 PM  
Blogger Paperback Writer said...

I have a friend who cannot poop outside his home. He just can't do it. Anywhere. It's understandable.

Good luck!

8:23 AM  
Blogger Rebecca said...

I had pooping paranoia until I had kids. Labor and delivery cured it. Not a cure I'd recommend for everyone tho. ;-)

However, I still sometimes go 4-5 days without pooping. If I have a week when I go 3 times, it's been a good week. I might have to try fig's suggestion of the Metamucil pills... can't hurt, right?

9:54 AM  
Blogger Katy said...

Can you go to another floor in your work building to poop? That's what I used to do. A guest appearance of sorts...

11:00 AM  
Blogger Lisa Ann said...

I feel your pain literally & figuratively. Pooping is such a pain in the ass. Sometimes your body will just make the decision for you. Just remember: everyone poops!

11:19 AM  
Anonymous the frog said...

So? How did it all "come out" for you yesterday?

As you know, I have the opposite problem. I can and have pooped everywhere; since I normally go 2-3 times a day (and they're often EMERGENCIES), you just learn to deal with the embarassment and discomfort. Courtesy flushes (and well-placed coughs) help.

11:38 AM  
Blogger 000 said...

You could sneak into the Ladies when no one is in there, go, and then when you come out, totally blame it on someone else.

Yeah. Do that.

5:31 PM  
Blogger Savvy Snob said...

well? how did it go?!?!?

6:20 PM  
Blogger Team Richardson said...

The wife of Team Richardson here!!
I completely understand the poop thing. What I noticed that has helped is lots of water throughout the day and also a high fiber cereal like Kashi Heart to Heart first thing in the morning. Also try that Activa yogurt!
Good luck with your wedding! I was a wreck up until right before i went to bed that night before my wedding! Just take a deep breath when you wake up the morning of and have 1 glass of wine while you are getting your hair done to relax you! Love the blog by the way!

8:55 PM  
Blogger Eight Lives Left said...

I had poop paranoia until I had my gall bladder out and then it was no longer under my control. I literally had no choice, unless having a poop accident in a public place is considered a choice.

I still go to another floor at work, though, because I'm weird.

1:09 AM  
Anonymous Andrea Norville said...

I bet you miss the 2nd private bathroom at Adams right about now :)

4:16 PM  

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